My Thoughts Exactly..: The Past is the past or is it?

My Thoughts Exactly..: The Past is the past or is it?: It has always amazed me how you seem to think, I have moved on its in the past. Then one day it creeps up and bites you. Its like wait a min...

The Past is the past or is it?

It has always amazed me how you seem to think, I have moved on its in the past. Then one day it creeps up and bites you. Its like wait a minute how did that happen? I am the type of person that learns from those past hurts and doesnt live in the land of what once was..But yesterday all I was telling was a story, a story that appraently still haunts me and affects me. You would think because the parties have been forgiven that the affect of the situation would not hold true to your daily life. I tell the story and I still try and catch my breathe and afterward Im exhausted. Is there something to be said that no matter what certain experiences in our life will effect us forever? I wonder... The past is the past or is it really...

My Wedding Day...But what's missing

Currently I am 2 days away from getting married to probably one of the greatest people I know. But it feels like something is missing. Truth is its about 7 things that are missing. As the day fast approaches I feel an empty spot in my heart. Why is grief so permanent I wonder? Grief is something that at times I try to understand. Loss is something that is more of an acceptance than an existance. For years my losses were my existance and one day I woke up and it became my acceptance. Grief is ever changing because you can reach the acceptance phase but have moments of anger and sadness. The loss becomes a part of you and you learn to live with it. Which is the hardest part.

I am 2 days a way from marrying a wonderful person and I am reminded of how much I wish 1 or the 7 of those that I have lost were with me. There are times that we talk about rights of passage and I feel in certain aspects I never had the normal rights of passage because most of the losses were so unexpected.

So as the day is near I will always cherish the memories of my mother who would spent the last few months excited and nervous. And this past week helping me get through. She would have been there when I found the dress etc. I miss her voice and love, though it surrounds me the human part of me misses her touch.

I cherish the memories of my dad, the one who would have walked me down the aisle, his little girl all grown up. He would have never needed a shotgun because Joey is so great.

My little sister, I would have loved to have had as a bridesmaid, her loss has always been a moment I have never quiet moved past.

My grandparents Titi and Oscar oh how my grandma would have been so proud of me in my pretty dress, finally dressed like a lady and my grandpa would have danced the night away and loved every moment.

My grandparents Beto and Chepita...They would have been so proud that I went on and lived my life...

Loss is bittersweet because with each loss comes something new and at times someone new.

I know had I not lost my mom I would never have my Joey.

So on my wedding day I hope that somewhere in heaven there is a little celebration and that they are happy and celebrating along with me... I miss you all everyday and I am so grateful for having been a part of your life even though it was short. Thank you for giving me all that you gave and I hope you enjoy my special day as much as I will...I love you!