Chiqui’s Creative Grief Journey is a creative, lifestyle and grief blog. At a very young age I had many losses and today I have learned to channel those losses into something beautiful. Come with me on a journey to change how we see loss and grief. And how using creativity can change how you deal with your loss. Loss is forever but it is up to you how you deal with it.
The last 5 years have been a roller coaster first we decide to change our lives and move from South Florida to Seattle where I could continue my work in Organ Donation. I have an amazing opportunity to help families in their darkest hour. After 24hr shifts 7 days on and off. It took a toll not only physically but emotionally. We then decided after 2 years to move back to Florida to be closer to family and friends. I remained in Organ Donation for another 3 months. After 12 years it was finally time to leave an industry that though beautiful is very emotionally draining and filled with too many political issues. I am a donor family and am grateful I was able to change the lives of others. My time with families is something I will forever treasure.
While not working it was a challenge to figure out what to do with my life... I mean I was in my 40s with no direction. While working in organ donation I needed an outlet for my feelings. Which started as making beaded bracelets. Which over time grew to jewelry, painting, clay work, alcohol ink, resin work, card making to all other things in between. My creative side has completely grown and changed because over the last five years things have changed in more ways than I would like to admit.
Then in May 2017 things went from bad to worse, my cousin Rolin, my caretaker, my brother, my everything died of Acute Myeloid Leukemia. He was diagnosed in August of 2016 and was gone by May. I lost my parents, sister and all my grandparents within a 5 year span from when I was 19 to 23. Rolin was my rock and from possibly going home, he was transferred to the ICU where he died within a few hours he was only 44. The pain and grief I felt I thought was only possible once in this life. I was wrong, I had all the tools to help me move forward through the grief process. But until you live do you realize tools are great but where there was great love, there is great pain and it is difficult to let go.
On to 2018, can I skip this part, can I forget it happened?? No it was yet a new test On Superbowl weekend my husband felt ill and we took him to the hospital thinking Appendix... It was Stage 2B Testicular Cancer. Seeing the man you love change and suffer through Chemo and being completely unable to help ease the pain is one of the hardest things I have had to experience. As the year progressed he had surgery to remove lymph nodes. My health declined from stress and life, which is for another blog. There are so many things to blog about, actually there is much to be angry about. I have my moments where I feel this but I work hard and just being grateful.
My goal with this blog is to help others whether its through my grief journey and knowledge, my care taker knowledge or just my creativity. I will get better at blogging.
When I realized how long its been since I last posted I thought well now is a good. Time as any to start anew. My last post was from the day before I married my husband, here we are almost 7 years later. So much has happened and so much has changed. From new jobs, new cities, adventures, loss, the BIG C word for my husband and so much more. I have learned to deal with some of the more challenging experiences in my life as of late through creativity. Which is totally different than what I used to do, which could be summed up by lots of crying and eating. Today my outlet is either jewelry making, painting, alcohol inks, greeting card making and everything else I can get my hands on. So I felt that I have so much to say and now where to say it. In the last 7 years I have experiences one of my greatest losses which I never thought possible, since I had lost my mother. Wrong you can feel that much pain more than once. So this journey through life and grief has lead me back to a place that I forgot existed but I have now finally been able grab hold of. It took a while but I think I am learning to manage. My goal is to help people and bring them at least a moment of peace through my work and words. My experiences are much more vast because my career is in death and dying so what I have experienced is very different than the norm. My greatest wish for my readers, virtual friends ( I don’t like the word follower) is that something I say/write will help guide you to a place of peace and love. As unlucky as I have been I have many blessings of that I extremely grateful for my husband, my fur babies, my home, family and friends. So this blogging journey will encompass all of it.
For now I wish you a beautiful day filled with love and creativity.
It has always amazed me how you seem to think, I have moved on its in the past. Then one day it creeps up and bites you. Its like wait a minute how did that happen? I am the type of person that learns from those past hurts and doesnt live in the land of what once was..But yesterday all I was telling was a story, a story that appraently still haunts me and affects me. You would think because the parties have been forgiven that the affect of the situation would not hold true to your daily life. I tell the story and I still try and catch my breathe and afterward Im exhausted. Is there something to be said that no matter what certain experiences in our life will effect us forever? I wonder... The past is the past or is it really...
Currently I am 2 days away from getting married to probably one of the greatest people I know. But it feels like something is missing. Truth is its about 7 things that are missing. As the day fast approaches I feel an empty spot in my heart. Why is grief so permanent I wonder? Grief is something that at times I try to understand. Loss is something that is more of an acceptance than an existance. For years my losses were my existance and one day I woke up and it became my acceptance. Grief is ever changing because you can reach the acceptance phase but have moments of anger and sadness. The loss becomes a part of you and you learn to live with it. Which is the hardest part.
I am 2 days a way from marrying a wonderful person and I am reminded of how much I wish 1 or the 7 of those that I have lost were with me. There are times that we talk about rights of passage and I feel in certain aspects I never had the normal rights of passage because most of the losses were so unexpected.
So as the day is near I will always cherish the memories of my mother who would spent the last few months excited and nervous. And this past week helping me get through. She would have been there when I found the dress etc. I miss her voice and love, though it surrounds me the human part of me misses her touch.
I cherish the memories of my dad, the one who would have walked me down the aisle, his little girl all grown up. He would have never needed a shotgun because Joey is so great.
My little sister, I would have loved to have had as a bridesmaid, her loss has always been a moment I have never quiet moved past.
My grandparents Titi and Oscar oh how my grandma would have been so proud of me in my pretty dress, finally dressed like a lady and my grandpa would have danced the night away and loved every moment.
My grandparents Beto and Chepita...They would have been so proud that I went on and lived my life...
Loss is bittersweet because with each loss comes something new and at times someone new.
I know had I not lost my mom I would never have my Joey.
So on my wedding day I hope that somewhere in heaven there is a little celebration and that they are happy and celebrating along with me... I miss you all everyday and I am so grateful for having been a part of your life even though it was short. Thank you for giving me all that you gave and I hope you enjoy my special day as much as I will...I love you!
